When money, cheating, and control collide in a relationship

Some money stories are less about dollars and more about damage. This one is both.

In this situation, a couple in their 20s and 30s walked into a financial review, but what really spilled out was years of cheating, lying, resentment, and absolute chaos with money. Their bank accounts were a reflection of their relationship: overdrafts, collections, fast food, weed, energy drinks, and no savings. Underneath it all was a fight for control and a total lack of trust.

I’m not sharing this to rubberneck the drama. I’m sharing it because there are really clear lessons here about how money, control, and betrayal feed off each other—and how to avoid ending up in the same place.

When financial control turns into a power struggle

In this relationship, both partners wanted control of the money, but neither was actually managing it well.

He had handled the bills for a long time, but instead of being transparent, he quietly took out loans to keep things afloat. She didn’t know what was really happening until later. When she finally started earning more (around $6,000 a month from her cleaning business), he wanted to take over again because he didn’t trust her spending. She, in turn, called that “financial abuse.”

This is a classic pattern: one partner hides, the other reacts, and money becomes a weapon instead of a tool.

What financial abuse actually is (and isn’t)

Financial abuse is real, and it’s serious. It can look like:

• Taking someone’s money or paycheck and not letting them access it
• Forbidding them to work or sabotaging their job
• Hiding accounts and debts that affect them
• Using money to trap them (“If you leave, you’ll have nothing”)

In this case, there were red flags around control—like threats about taking away the car if they broke up, or one partner being completely in the dark about how bills were paid. But there was also a lot of misuse of the term “abuse” to avoid accountability. That’s dangerous too.

If you’re in a relationship where money is used to scare you, trap you, or punish you, that’s abuse. If you’re being asked to be transparent, stick to a budget, or stop blowing rent money on DoorDash and vapes—that’s not abuse. That’s adulting.

Cheating, secrecy, and money

On top of the financial mess, there was repeated cheating.

She used their shared car to drive two hours to see an ex, had unprotected sex, lied about it, and later admitted the details. Months later, she set up a gym meetup with a coworker, intending to hook up. When he confronted her, she tried to frame parts of the story as things being “done to her” rather than choices she made.

Why does this matter in a money conversation? Because the same patterns show up:

• Hiding where she was going with the car
• Lying about what she was doing while he was home with their child
• Using words like “assault” and “no agency” to blur responsibility instead of owning her decisions

If someone will lie about where they are, who they’re with, and what they’re doing with their body, they’ll lie about what they’re doing with money too. Trust isn’t compartmentalized. It’s one system.

Why their money was such a disaster

Here’s the rough outline of their finances:

• Rent: about $1,885/month
• Utilities: roughly $600/month
• Car payment: about $310/month
• Car insurance: around $260/month
• Groceries: not planned, mostly chaos
• Income: her cleaning business, roughly $5,500–$6,000/month before taxes; he was unemployed and calling himself a stay-at-home dad

On paper, they should have had some breathing room. In reality, they were constantly broke, asking his dad for money, and sitting on collections.

Why? Because the money was bleeding out through:

• Hundreds of dollars a month on fast food and takeout (Taco Bell, McDonald’s, Waffle House, etc.)
• Daily energy drinks and nicotine pouches
• Medical marijuana and random ATM withdrawals with fees
• Subscriptions (streaming, anime services, Audible, etc.)
• Food bought for “meal prep” that rotted in the fridge

There was no budget, no plan, and no shared visibility. Just vibes and overdraft fees.

Collections, old debt, and ignoring the mess

They had several debts in collections:

• A joint rent collection around $2,600 from an apartment they left early
• An old credit card in collections around $700 from when she was 18–19

The rent debt happened because they moved out of an apartment early, didn’t properly close things out, and then assumed it would “get handled.” It didn’t. It went to collections.

The credit card went delinquent when she overdrafted by cents, ignored it, and let fees snowball. Instead of calling the company, setting up a plan, or paying the small amount at the beginning, she just deleted the app and stopped looking.

This is another pattern I see all the time: when something feels overwhelming or shameful, it’s easier to pretend it doesn’t exist. But ignoring debt doesn’t make it disappear—it just makes it more expensive.

Why joint money doesn’t work without joint honesty

She wanted a joint bank account so she could see what was going on. He wanted control because he didn’t trust her spending. Both of those impulses make sense on their own. Together, they were stuck.

The problem wasn’t the structure (joint vs. separate). The problem was:

• No shared budget
• No agreement on priorities
• No regular check-ins
• Active lying (about cheating, about where money went, about debts)

A joint account doesn’t fix trust issues. A separate account doesn’t fix trust issues. The only thing that fixes trust issues is trustworthy behavior over time—and a willingness to be fully transparent.

How they could fix the financial side (if they wanted to)

I’m going to be blunt: I don’t think this relationship, as described, is emotionally safe or stable. But if we isolate just the money and pretend these two people are genuinely committed to change, here’s what it would take:

1. Stop the financial bleeding

First step: cut the chaos.

• Cap fast food at a small, specific amount or pause it entirely for a few months
• Cut energy drinks and replace with cheaper alternatives (even making your own coffee or tea is a huge savings)
• Pause subscriptions they don’t truly use
• Set a hard monthly limit on nicotine, weed, or other vices—and work on reducing them over time

This alone could free up hundreds of dollars a month.

2. Build a simple, written budget

Nothing fancy. Just a basic monthly plan:

• Fixed bills: rent, utilities, car payment, car insurance, phones
• Essentials: groceries, gas, child needs, basic household items
• Debt payments: collections and any other loans
• Small personal money for each partner (even $50–$100 each)

Then track actual spending against that plan. If you’re curious how a calmer, more minimalist approach can look, I wrote about some of my favorite habits in minimalist money habits that keep your finances steady.

3. Attack the collections

With their income, they could realistically pay off both collections in under a year if they stopped setting money on fire.

• Call each collector
• Ask for a settlement (especially on old debts)
• Get any agreement in writing before paying
• Pay it off as quickly as possible

Being collection-free isn’t just about your credit score—it’s about not dragging old mistakes into your future.

4. Build a small emergency fund

Even $1,000 sitting in a savings account would have changed half of their story. They wouldn’t need payday advances, they wouldn’t overdraft as often, and they wouldn’t have to call his dad for every emergency.

After the collections are paid, the next target should be 3–6 months of basic expenses in savings. That sounds huge, but it’s built the same way as everything else: one month at a time, one decision at a time.

5. Start thinking beyond this month

This couple had no retirement savings at all. He’s in his mid-30s, she’s in her mid-20s. If they continue like this, they’ll hit 40, 50, 60 with nothing behind them.

Once the immediate fires are out—no collections, some savings—they could start small with retirement: a workplace plan, an IRA, or even just learning how long-term investing works. If you’re at a similar stage of life and wondering how your age should shape your investing, I talk more about that in how turning 40 is changing my investment strategy.

Why “for the kids” is not a financial plan

He stayed, in large part, because of their daughter. He didn’t want her to grow up in a “broken family.” That’s a deeply human feeling, and I understand it.

But here’s the hard truth: kids can feel when their parents hate each other, don’t trust each other, or constantly scream about money. That’s not a whole family. That’s just a loud one.

Staying together “for the kids” while:

• Cheating continues
• Money is a constant crisis
• One parent is tracking the other, checking their phone, or accusing them daily
• There’s no stability, no savings, and no plan

…doesn’t actually protect those kids. Financial stability and emotional safety matter more than the appearance of a two-parent home.

If you see yourself in this story

You might not be cheating. You might not be screaming at each other on camera. But maybe you recognize pieces of this:

• You don’t know what your partner really makes
• You’re not sure what debts exist
• One person is doing all the money stuff and the other is “just trusting them”
• You’re overdrafting while eating out multiple times a week
• You’re staying in a relationship mostly because of kids and fear

If that hit a nerve, here are a few starting points:

1. Put everything on the table. Income, debts, subscriptions, spending habits. No more secrets.
2. Agree on non-negotiables. Rent gets paid. Utilities get paid. Minimum debt payments get made. Groceries and gas come next. Fun money comes after that.
3. Set a weekly money check-in. 20–30 minutes. No yelling. Just: what came in, what went out, what’s coming up.
4. Get help if you need it. A therapist for the emotional side. A credit counselor or financial coach for the numbers.

You don’t have to be perfect with money. You just have to be honest. If the honesty isn’t there—about money, about fidelity, about anything—no budgeting app in the world can save that.

The bottom line

Money doesn’t cause cheating, lying, or control—but it does expose them. This couple’s finances were a mirror, and what they saw in it was ugly: no savings, collections, constant overspending, and a relationship held together by fear and obligation.

Your finances will always reflect your values and your behavior, not your intentions. If you want a different picture—more stability, less chaos, more peace—you don’t just need a new budget. You need new habits, new boundaries, and sometimes, new decisions about who you’re building a life with.

Wherever you are right now, you can start cleaning up your money. Just don’t lie to yourself about what else might need to change along the way.