Planning for the future: honest money talks with our almost-grown son

Our son is 22, engaged, and about 18 months away from a whirlwind of life changes: finishing college, getting married, and deciding where to live. In other words, it’s prime time for some real, practical money conversations.

These talks aren’t theoretical anymore. There’s a wedding countdown on his phone, a fiancée with her own money habits, and a housing market that makes my generation’s first-home stories sound like they’re from another planet.

In this article, I want to walk you through what we’ve been talking about as a family—what’s working, what’s hard, and what I’m learning from him just as much as he’s learning from us.

Big decision #1: rent or buy for their first home?

The first huge decision on their plate is where they’ll live after the wedding. The traditional advice for young couples is “rent first, buy later.” But my son and his fiancée are seriously considering buying a home right away.

Here’s how they’re thinking it through:

• They’ve run the numbers. If they can save up a 20% down payment over the next two years, the monthly mortgage payment in their target area won’t be that much higher than rent.
• They’d rather build equity. Their mindset is: if the monthly cost is similar, they’d prefer those dollars go toward a house they’ll eventually own instead of a landlord’s mortgage.

This isn’t the right answer for every couple, but I appreciate that they’re not just following a script. They’re comparing actual numbers, thinking about their long-term plans, and factoring in their specific market.

If you’re in a similar stage, it can help to treat rent vs. buy as a math problem and a life decision. You’ll want to look at:

• How long you expect to stay in the area
• Your job stability and income
• How realistic it is to save a solid down payment
• The true costs of homeownership (taxes, insurance, repairs, etc.)

For more on this, I’ve broken down the trade-offs in a separate guide to creating a simple money game plan for young families on a tight budget.

How he’s getting to a 20% down payment

Saving 20% for a home in your early 20s is no small thing. When I asked him how they’re making that possible, his answer was basically: long-term habits plus some very intentional choices.

Here are the big factors:

He started saving young (really young)

He’s been saving most of what he earns since he was about 11. His first “job” was cleaning his older brother’s cockatiel cage every week while big brother was away at college. It wasn’t glamorous, but it paid—and he saved.

That early pattern stuck. Every new job, every raise, every side gig: saving first, spending second.

He’s going to college debt-free

This is the game-changer. He’ll be finishing his degree with no student loans, which gives him a huge head start as he enters marriage and adulthood.

How he pulled that off:

• He started at a two-year college and stacked scholarships there.
• We covered the small gap that scholarships didn’t cover.
• He stretched the two-year program into three years so he could work 35 hours a week and bank as much as possible.
• Then he transferred and earned a full-tuition scholarship at a local private university, which kept his final years of college very affordable.

He’s also taken his coursework seriously—maintaining a 4.0 GPA to keep those scholarships. That’s not everyone’s path, but it’s a reminder that grades can be worth real money.

If he were heading into marriage with student loans, our conversations about housing would look very different. Debt doesn’t make homeownership impossible, but it absolutely changes the timeline and the risk level.

Taking the slower path to a career (on purpose)

Our son is studying to become a high school English teacher. That path requires an extra semester of student teaching, which means his degree will take closer to six years instead of the traditional four.

That’s two more years of waiting to be married, waiting to earn a full-time salary, and waiting to feel like life is “started.” When I asked if he regretted taking the longer route, his answer was no.

His reasons:

• The degree and certification he needs simply take more time.
• The extra time allowed him to work, save, and avoid debt.
• And honestly, he met his fiancée at college—so in his mind, it’s already worth it.

I think there’s a quiet lesson here: sometimes the slower, less flashy path (community college, working while in school, stretching out the timeline) sets you up financially in ways the traditional four-year track doesn’t.

Growing up frugal… and learning to spend

He’ll tell you himself: he grew up in a very frugal household. That’s code for “Mom and Dad did not spend money easily.”

Now, as an adult, that’s shaped him in a pretty predictable way. His words: “I’m a miser.”

Spending is hard for him—even on things that matter. The funny part is that he still managed to buy a beautiful, custom engagement ring. So it’s not that he won’t spend at all; it’s that he’s extremely deliberate.

One of the most interesting parts of this season has been watching him and his fiancée blend two very different money personalities.

Blending two money personalities before marriage

When you get married, you’re not just combining bank accounts. You’re merging two totally different histories, habits, and feelings about money.

In their case:

• He’s naturally frugal and cautious.
• She’s naturally generous and more comfortable spending, especially on others.

Instead of fighting those differences, they’re trying to make room for both. A few things they’re doing that I really love:

1. A dedicated generosity fund

His fiancée loves giving—small gifts, treating people, being generous. Rather than seeing that as “wasteful,” they’ve decided she’ll have her own generosity fund in the budget. That way, giving is planned instead of resented.

2. A set amount for one really nice date

Each month, they set aside money for one intentionally nice date. They spend it, enjoy it, and don’t feel guilty or go over budget. It’s a small but powerful way to build fun and connection into a tight budget.

3. Learning together

They went through a structured money course together over the summer. It gave them language, a shared framework, and some guidelines (like the 20% down payment goal) that made them feel more confident about big decisions like buying a home.

If you’re engaged or newly married, this is one of the best gifts you can give yourselves: talk early, talk often, and get on the same page about your goals, even if your habits look different.

Facing today’s housing market (and why my generation needs to own it)

When we talk about buying a house, there’s one unavoidable reality: the market is expensive. My son and his fiancée have been looking at listings and getting a feel for prices in the area where they’d like to live. It’s sobering.

From my vantage point as a parent, I think my generation needs to be honest about this. I hear a lot of older folks say things like, “Just suck it up and buy a house,” as if today’s market is the same as it was 30–35 years ago.

It’s not.

Home prices have risen much faster than incomes in many areas. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible for young adults to buy, but it does mean:

• It’s harder.
• It takes longer.
• It requires more intentional planning and often more compromise.

My son and his fiancée are making one big compromise already: they won’t live in our city. By moving a bit farther out, they can find homes that are much more affordable. On a high school teacher’s salary plus her income, they’re going to have to be careful—but it’s doable if they pick the right area.

If you’re feeling discouraged by housing prices, you’re not imagining it. But there are still levers you can pull: location, timing, house size, and how aggressively you save.

Two incomes, shared goals (but not shared accounts… yet)

Right now, they’re in an in-between stage: they’re not married yet, so they’re not fully combining finances. But they are combining goals.

Here’s their setup:

• He’s in school, working as he can, and saving toward the down payment.
• She’s a professional artist who does stunning commission work, but since art income can be irregular, she also works a full-time 9–5 job to cover her current bills and contribute to their future plans.

They’re talking openly about:

• What their joint budget might look like once they’re married
• How much they want to save for a house
• How they’ll handle her art income vs. her day-job income
• What lifestyle trade-offs they’re willing to make early on

This “goals together, money separate (for now)” phase can be really healthy. It gives you practice making joint decisions before everything is fully merged.

What actually feels expensive to him right now

When I asked him what really “burns his buns” about money these days, his answer was immediate: car costs.

• Gas
• Insurance
• Routine maintenance and repairs

Those everyday vehicle costs add up fast—and they’re not optional when you have to get to work and school.

If you’re a young adult feeling crushed by car expenses, you’re not alone. Sometimes the best you can do is:

• Drive something reliable but modest
• Keep up with basic maintenance to avoid bigger repairs
• Shop around for insurance regularly
• Combine trips and carpool when possible

On our side of the table, my husband and I would add medical costs to the “this is way more expensive than we expected” list. Every generation has its pain points.

What his generation doesn’t get (in his words)

I also asked him what frustrates him about how people his age handle money. His answer surprised me a bit:

“Going into college with no goals.”

He sees a lot of classmates who:

• Don’t have a major chosen
• Don’t know how long they’ll be in school
• Are spending borrowed money (or their parents’ money) while they “figure it out”

His take is blunt: college is not for everyone, and if you’re going to go, you need a plan. Watching people casually take on tens of thousands in student loans without a direction is painful to him, because he sees it as “squandering your future money.”

That doesn’t mean you have to have your entire life mapped out at 18. But it does mean being intentional: exploring options before you enroll, starting at a cheaper school while you decide, or taking time to work and think before committing to a degree.

For a broader look at how your 20s and 30s decisions shape your future, I walk through key checkpoints in six financial milestones to hit in your 30s.

Allowing small “splurges” on a tight budget

Because he’s so frugal, even tiny spending decisions can feel big. For years, he had a personal rule: he would buy fries from the on-campus Chick-fil-A only twice a semester—once at the beginning and once at the end. Maybe a third time for midterms if he was feeling wild.

Recently, he “broke” his rule and now goes about once a month.

We joke about it, but there’s something important buried in there: even on a very tight budget, it’s okay to have small, predictable treats that you plan for. In his case, it’s $5 a month for fries. That tiny bit of fun doesn’t derail his savings goals—but it does make daily life feel less like a grind.

If you’re naturally frugal, you might need to give yourself permission to spend a little. If you’re naturally a spender, you might need the opposite: a few guardrails so the daily treats don’t crowd out your future.

Is he worried about the future?

With everything going on—the economy, housing prices, job uncertainty—you might assume he’s anxious. When I asked if anything about the economy keeps him up at night, his answer was simple: “No, I sleep pretty well.”

He and his fiancée have definitely had conversations about what the future might look like. But overall, their attitude is: we’ve got a couple of years to navigate this, we’ll keep planning, and we’ll figure it out.

I find that balance encouraging. They’re not ignoring reality, but they’re also not living in constant fear. They’re taking the next right step, and then the next.

What he doesn’t want to copy from us

One last question I asked him: “You grew up watching how Dad and I handle money. What’s one thing we do that you and your fiancée are determined not to do?”

His answer: short day trips to small-town museums.

We’ve always leaned toward extremely low-cost, close-to-home outings when the kids were younger. That was partly financial and partly just our style. He and his fiancée, on the other hand, want to prioritize one actual, intentional vacation each year—still short, still budget-conscious, but to places they’re really excited about. His example: a day at Six Flags for around $100 for the two of them.

The funny twist is that now that our kids are almost out of the house, my husband and I actually do have a little more money for weekend trips. Timing is everything.

And that’s how it goes: every generation keeps some things from their parents and changes others. The goal isn’t to clone our choices; it’s to pass on the tools so they can make their own.

Final thoughts: talking money at the kitchen table

These conversations with our son have reminded me of a few big truths:

• Big life changes (graduation, marriage, moving) are exactly when you need honest money talks, not silence.
• Debt-free choices early on—like how you approach college—can open up options later, like buying a home sooner.
• Different money personalities in a relationship aren’t a problem if you’re willing to communicate and build a plan together.
• Today’s financial landscape really is harder in some ways, and minimizing that doesn’t help our kids.

If you’re a parent, keep making space for these talks, even if your young adult rolls their eyes sometimes. And if you’re the 20-something in this story, don’t underestimate how much power you have in the choices you’re making right now. You don’t have to do it perfectly—you just have to be intentional.